I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
