I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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