I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
be right there i have to get my cape
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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