Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
