non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
