So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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