Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize