there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
