i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
