I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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