When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize