i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
