when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
