Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize