i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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