You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
