he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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