At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
