there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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