i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
