I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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