Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
