She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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