he shaved USA in his pubs
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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