some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
