yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize