dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
