apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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