The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
