Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
