Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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