I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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