nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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