I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize