Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just had sex on a roof
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
