Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
