I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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