And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize