I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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