The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
