come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
