i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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