I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
