If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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