I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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