i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
