Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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