We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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