I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
