Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
