Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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