Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
