I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
