What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
