dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
