My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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