A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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