speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
