I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
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