And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
