if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
