Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
