Soap is not a condiment
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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