i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
