I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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