I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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