when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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